Friday, May 24, 2013

you know who else has bitchface?

laura dern, that's who. 'cause even when she is smiling she looks like could be clenching a knife in her fist.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

a few notes on bitchface

walking down the street the other day, i was approached by a friend who said he had seen me walking in the distance for a while before approaching me, but hesitated at first because he wasn't sure it was me.
was it my hair? no--same wispy nest as always.
my body? no, I'd only been working out a month or so--i couldn't expect anything too drastic so soon.
my gait? nah, even though my back had been giving me trouble for a few days, giving my frame a slight skew to the right, it wasn't anything that would give the illusion I was anything but normal.

then, like an unexpected smile at a funeral, it hit me: it WAS my smile! i had been smiling.

"was it because i was smiling?" i asked. at first, this question seemed odd to him. his mind was probably replaying scenes from our past encounters that may have contained some story about a genetic muscle disease in my face that prohibits smiles from forming, or something like that.

a semi-awkward conversation later and all was ironed out. but yeah, how funny? not being recognised because the lady gaga blasting in my ears gave my usual bitchface the heave ho for the day.

a few more notes on bitchface:

  • there is no clear correlation between one's actual mood and the expression of dismay so universally associated with bitchface.
  • it's much more common than you'd think; for proof of this, simply ask the next person wearing a profuse downturned-smile how he or she actually is feeling. there is an 84% chance they'd say, "great!" it's just that their body chooses to display it in iterations beyond their facial expression.
  • actual causes of bitchface vary, from underdeveloped facial muscles to a squint brought on by poor vision that is accompanied by a subsequent frown, leading to a mask that says nothing but "tsk" and "disapproval." additionally, some people's faces are just made like that. don't hate.
and that, my dear friends, is the state of those of us with bitchface.