Friday, June 17, 2011

weighing in on the weiner

i just have to say something. so anthony weiner: YOU ARE such a WEENIE to resign! a cocktail weenie, at that--small, unsatisfactory and somewhat wrinkly. after all that, you throw in the towel (most likely the one your bulge tented) leaving a legacy that's like an unfinished story in a freshman level creative writing course. i. just. can't.
i think anthony weiner's resignation is a bow to hypocrisy. yes, his resignation--not his twat tweets--serve as validation to pure dishonesty. everybody who pointed their fingers at him for this "awful thing" he did then go home and use those same fingers to click around Internet porn and tweet twats of their own. those insipid americans love the smell of blood, and this lust for an open wound completely dominates their purpose in life. now that they can't shake their fists at the weiner anymore, they'll squat like vultures until some other wounded figure comes on the scene, outwardly bleeding the same insecurities they hate about themselves, into whom they'll sink their blunt beaks and tear away the flesh. they're nothing without their tabloid dirt and high fructose corn syrup. if they didn't have the intouch "celebrities: they're just like us!" tutorial to follow, they wouldn't know how to shop at the CVS, eat at a restaurant or walk down the street. 
if you look at what anthony weiner actually did, or didn't do, for that matter, the actual deed shrinks in comparison to the hype and hullaballoo that's been made about it. so he jerked off to porn, sometimes interacting with those who moan onscreen--noooobody in america does that! the horror! perhaps the whole picture exchange crossed the line, especially since he was married, but the same heartfelt apology that would patch up any normal american couple should have applied to him. no, suddenly "weinergate" erupts and people who haven't even heard of anthony weiner before are yelling and screaming and holding signs. i guess that's what sad, unemployed people do instead of looking for jobs.
as a matter of fact, i think what weiner did with his weiner was probably good for him. getting his rocks off is normal for any red blooded male, and was a chance to let off some steam, increasing his effectiveness at his job (which, btw, is mighty stressful...representing constituents of such high levels of assholeism takes its toll). exchanging a few LOLs with a porn star (who, btw, is now rep'd by gloria allred. really?) now let's discuss her.
ginger lee--who currently makes her living as a stripper--this morning stammered through a twang-inflected speech where she exonerated herself from any inappropriate behavior with weiner. now that's assuming, of course, that every hard-dicked american male watching her had forgotten about the six months of porn star boot camp ladies such as herself endure, where she exclusively took it up the ass so she could get second-tier billing on the DVD cover. yes, let's listen to what ginger lee has to say, a real woman of repute. then we can all go get her autograph after she performs at the pink pony in atlanta tonight. and after paying gloria allred to stand next to her in a st. john suit, she'll be forced into another six months of hard anal labor just to pay her rent. 

and now, for more hard-earned america banter...

i think "weinergate" is a terrific example of what a daycare center this country is: a playpen full of simple-minded, easily-swayed, quickly-agitated toddlers who lust after the shiniest toy in the chest and only until it's ice cream time, at which a greed-fueled feeding frenzy ensues, followed by a nap. like toddlers, the swell of america are selfish because they haven't learned the virtue of consideration yet--they're hand fed, hand-held and told they're #1 from the beginning, inflating an ego that's easily damaged but never deflated. gay marriage can't happen 'cause God don't like it,' but nobody has voicemail from the big guy explicitly stating why. they take every word proclaimed by the neighborhood bullies as the truth, but only until a louder, bigger bully with a shinier toy (or a red skirt suit and rimless glasses) appears and steals the show. have you ever seen a daycare center on a class trip? it's a single line of followers, like a chain gang, absolute obedience, no questions asked. they listen to the leader until the leader stops giving them candy. then they throw rocks at him and look for another leader. when president obama couldn't make unicorns with soft serve machines strapped to their saddles appear in every american's backyard, they turned on him like every other "mean mommy" who wouldn't let their kid have more than one flintstone's vitamin every day. "too much of a good thing could make you sick," she used to say, and it has. but instead of a vomit fest, this sickness stays inside, telling people they are part of "the land of the free" when really, they're a mass army of good, little obedients.

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