Thursday, November 18, 2010


i woke up this morning from a dream in which i was hosting a morning talk show, feeling the searing pain of a hangover while interviewing president obama, and the first words out of my mouth as i emerged from bed were, "tonight i'm going to see marie osmond sing the hits from 'les mis'" and i'm not sure what any of this means, but there it was and there it will always be.

i think subway seats should be reserved for those holding a special ticket, one passengers pay extra for, and for which they must qualify. i use my commute time constructively, as many of my fellow passengers. i write on the train every morning, words that form the foundation of what will one day be history's greatest literary masterpiece and when i can't sit because some geriatric would rather take up two and a half seats so she can SLEEP the whole way there, a whole new magma-laden pocket of rage arises and i shake with ire and anxiety. i must give off heat.
so to get one of these special passes, one must take an aptitude test to make sure one qualifies, submit writing samples, etc. this man who is always on my D train, who must embody at least 5 different ethnicities, makes jewelry on the way to work every morning. he is talented. he should have a seat. i write every morning. i make
beautiful words. i make people happy. i should have a seat. a woman who insists on wearing the same tweed burgundy tam every day of the week, with every outfit, has been reading the power of now deserves a seat, as she'll no doubt spread her newfound knowledge of self-awareness with the rest of the world. we should all sit together.
miss mabel williams, who parks her 3 foot derriere over the span of two seats and treats her 15 minute subway ride as if it were a private sleep chamber, should not have a seat. it's called tylenol PM and it's available over the counter. go to bed earlier. there's no more "golden girls" to watch at 8am every morning, at least until Christmas is over, so sleep an extra half hour. there are options to being more alert, and stealing two seats from me is not one of them.

i've said my peace and it feels like a huge burp after more than my helping of dessert.


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