Thursday, May 27, 2010

catching the breath i've been running after all these years

i could hardly think straight (well, considering) after i heard this little tidbit of news: today is definitely a time to shine, especially for the queens who voraciously raid the racks at the forever 21 for anything and everything sequined in XL that they can get their shiny claws on, as hsn went pubs about the exciting line of clothing and accessories designed by none other than the matron of mein herr, the wigged witch of the west, the heroine of heroin, the bedazzled acme of alcoholics, the one and only, now and forever (and ever and ever, it would seem) miss deck-the-halls-with-boughs-of-judy-garland-holly's daughter, liza minnelli. that's right, the queer queen bee is hanging her sequined hat on the model form, but instead of turning in the towel, she's giving it a smattering of rhinestones and spawning a line of clothing and accessories that are sure to stun, stupefy, but surely not suck your wallet dry (add some vibrato to that) for it is hsn, after all.
so what can we expect from the lady for whom a day without lamé is downright outré? no specifics have been divulged yet, but the 64 year old is nothing if not the scion of longevity. who else can rewear the same black sequined poncho for thirty years straight without one slam from joan rivers? who else is capable of, well, just wearing palazzo pants? who else can make the same dykey hairstyle work for the past 50 years? and really, every other alcoholic of her era either made themselves comfortable six feet under ages ago or plugs into a machine everyday for renal refreshment, and ol' girl just last year pops onstage and coughs her way through a collection of showtunes called liza's at the palace and takes home the mothereffing tony!  i'm just saying.
so whatever finds itself at the retail helm of an over-madeup, extension-wearing, goes-by-kathy-but-was-probably-born-deborah salesgirl during some fashion hour on hsn is bound to be in-fucking-credible. we can't promise the above halter number that found fame as the ideal gear for riding a chair in cabaret, but where there's a liza, there's a lush way and we've no doubt the only risk associated with her venture into fashion will be the slip of the loose sequins strewn about the floor (you can't expect a six year-old to master such painstaking detail at such a young age).
and the best news, by far, for the aforementioned queens on a mission, is that liza's looks are as close as the nearest stolen wifi signal.

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