Friday, July 10, 2009

d-do ya have it?

toast lightly, 3 min on each side...

so i've decided, after careful consideration of audible proof, that british women (altogether) with vocal volumes over, say, 60 decibels, that of a normal conversation, should be banned from television, especially hosting shows where their frequent exuberant interludes guide the progress of the show.

i first noticed the repulsive quality to their hyper-tone-ic voices during one of the thousands of episodes of nickelodeon GUTS i watched as a kid, where the host moira quirk, aka "mo," shouted contestants' scores between challenges at an unnecessarily high volume, turning my eyes away from the tv and my hands to my hears. "SHUT UP, WOMAN!" i'd say. and i'd cringe whenever host mike o'malley would utter those four fateful words that always lead to an interaction with mo, "back to you, mo!" i was like, "how about NOT, mike?"
i think the intensity with which these women speak gives their accents an almost hyperbolic quality, making them sound like they were purchased with a pack of parliament lights at a drug store. also notice the lack of vocal resonance--the sounds are abrupt and tinny, loud and cavelike, and CONTSTANT! i get to a point where my ears refuse to allow themselves to be subject to such offensive noise.

my opinion of said offensive vocal onslaught was reaffirmed when i caught about four and a half seconds of 'so you think you can dance,' where host cat deeley's british screech practically split my flatscreen in two.

aside from the fact that i find her episodic freak out exceptionally appealing, even the haughty entertainment factor can't eclipse the disgust i feel at her voice.

but to prevent the british from hating me, and my subsequent passport denial, i will say the mass termination of female british tv hosts is unnecessary--like all rules, there is one exception here, and her pixie-cut name is ann robinson.

though she was a total bitch and the show was contagious for about the same time as the common cold, her accented voice didn't annoy me, and for the tongue's sake, that's all that matters here.

au revoir, bitches.

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