Friday, June 19, 2009

you'll always love me more...miles away

gio, jesus is seriously staying in your hotel? don't luz him!

nowhere is the law of karma more present than in the realm of umbrellas. an umbrella is a funny thing, isn't it? it's not really an accessory, more an occasionally used functional device. even though umbrellas encompass an infinite range of colors and patterns, and serve as an excellent billboard for corporate logos posted on them, no matter how pretty they are, they're never outwardly displayed to complement an outfit or strategically looped off the handle of a purse. even so, as benign as they may seem, umbrellas are a major force in today's world.
i truly believe the ubiquitous population of umbrellas on this earth are the scions of the current state of karma on the planet. like life and all its parts, umbrellas are transient. they're always on the move and never really owned. you can buy an umbrella, but sooner or later, you'll lose it, either by leaving it somewhere or having it stolen by someone who apparently needs it more than you do. as audacious as this act may be, we should never look at it as a nefarious offense against us. for the same reason we don't hate the lion that eats the pretty zebra, the motion of umbrella movement through the universe is very much like the circle of life, ensuring constant renewal.
and though this perpetual motion is uninterruptable, the direction with which the umbrella moves can be influenced by those with whom the umbrella comes into contact. you. me. the guy who lives below you. the girl who sits next to you at work. the child in yellow and red wellies on the subway. we all play an active role in the journey an umbrella takes during its lifetime, but the real magic comes in dissecting just how structured this journey is.
just think from where the umbrella you last used came, and considering the precipitation the last few weeks of nyc weather has endured, it shouldn't be too hard to recall the last 94 umbrellas you used. but i digress. did you remember? chances are, you probably found it. sitting quietly under your desk. in a random umbrella collection bin. at the bottom of a bag. you found it.
did it find you? did the universe provide that umbrella where you needed it, when you needed it, like it has thousands of times before? and was that chance warranted by the countless umbrellas you "owned," but seemingly relinquished, either by fate or the act of giving? yes, yes, and yes. you gave, so you received. if you lent miss social sally you work with your umbrella (of the moment) so she could keep her helmet head dry as she schlepped to the chipotle to grab lunch, and realized you never received it back long after the carnitas burps ceased, that was your give. but yesterday, as random downpours ravaged our fine metropolis, you should have noticed that you weren't without protection, and that was your receive.
additionally, certain fringe conditions exist, for instance if you were to lend someone a broken umbrella that allowed water leakage to ruin the right shoulder of their suede jacket, you'll, in turn, receive an umbrella marred in certain areas that may or may not provide the same compensatory reprimandation. and that's karma.

tighten your bra straps and adjust your weiners, kids, 'cause a good 'ol bryanambition rant is just around the corner.
and here

THX: abbreviation or aberration?
initially, i may come off as a slight hypocrite, scorning the abbreviation of a commonly-used word, what with my propensity for such abridged terms as whatev, whoev, wherev, totes, et al. but the difference in those words lies with their pronouncability (yeah, it's a word).
because the mere reduction of these words lies in pruning three syllables ending in an ugly-sounding "err" sound to a more efficiently-included two syllables ending in a lip-stimulating buzzy "v," we find them not only lexiconically pleasing but also a whole lot more fun to say, not to mention a clever way to 'save breath,' as some would say. with one's lifespan being so limited and all, i'm sparing every syllable i can. think how many breaths would have been wasted on superfluous syllables we waste every year, cumulatively. thousands, maybe millions!
so for this type of abbreviation, there is, in fact, a very warranted need.
the use of thx, however, as a shortened form of "thanks," saves virtually nothing. you're not going to pronounce it any differently. the mere typing of it on either a keyboard or blackberry saves, what, three keystrokes? conversely, it also commands an extra stroke of the "x" key, because last time i, a former spelling bee champion, checked, there was no "x" in thanks. thanks.
and let's be honest--to shorten the word 'thanks,' which is already an abbreviation for "thank you," is, in and of itself, a condescending venture, basically notifying the receiver of this cheap sentiment of gratitude that they aren't as deserving or worthy of the full version. furthermore, without the "you" attached, the supposed recipient of this exponentially fading act of graciousness is left ambiguously staring at three carelessly juxtaposed letters, THX, wondering to whom it's actually directed. "oh, is it me they're thanking, or did the T, H an X just randomly wander onto my backlit LED display?"
with all the sorrow in the world right now--unemployment, dead airline pilots, political insurrection, fat girls in metallic leggings--a more sincere motion of appreciation is definitely in order. a "thank YOU!" given to somebody who truly deserves it, with the aplomb it's supposed to carry, can make a universe of difference. your mama taught you "please" and "thank you," so whatev you've learned since, forget it and go back to the basics.
and let's not forget our civic duty to perpetuate the flow of karmic energy through the world's population of umbrellas. unless, of course, said umbrella happens to be a skeletal mass of crooked metal and ripstop nylon. that lamentable mess deserves a proper burial, the procedure of which i suppose we'll discuss in a future production.

love and lemon drops on this humid friday, lieblings!

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