Friday, June 12, 2009
Bryan [AMBITION] Levandowski, 22, pronounced dead at approximately 3:12 am. Cause of death: excessive retardedness on the rocks. Bryan is succeeded by a brother and sister who still live somewhere in Pennsylvania. He bequeaths his wardrobe to all of his amazing friends who happen to fit into sample size, as well as the last $3.47 in his checking account. An organ donor, Bryan selflessly donated his immobile forehead to the less-fortunate victims of expression lines and naso-labial folds.
In lieu of flowers, he asks that donations be made to the Veuve Clicquot charity so that he can do it all again tonight.