Friday, May 01, 2009

it's rantin' men

"if you want to be taken seriously, you need serious hair." -melanie griffith in 'working girl'

you know the swine flu hullaballoo is out of control when your mother actually texts you expressing concern that you'll contract the mythical ailment merely by living in the locale of the nyc. so needless to say, i'm sick of hearing about it. and when robin roberts corrected herself for shaking matthew fox's hand after interviewing him on 'good morning america' on tuesday, it dawned on me just how sick i was of hearing about it.
but i don't think we should instantly just forget about it--i mean, i may be sick of it, but people are getting sick from it, and some are even dying. faced with the inevitability of its existence i wonder why we always give pandemics such ugly names. as with any bleak topic of gossip, americans love to hear themselves say such buzzwords over and over. past hot-topics-on-the-tongue have included SARS, anthrax, nine-eleven, ground-zero, bird flu, and even salmonella, which made its merry way from tomatoes to jalapeno peppers to peanut butter factories, all while keeping its post on the news and tongues of us overweight americans. so just imagine if we were to give it, and any subsequent diseases that break out, fancier, more pleasant names, and i'm not talking about political correctness. who says the name has to relate at all to the disease itself, or its cause? we all know it's going to be bad anyway--it's a pestilence, for goodness' sake. what if we called it the 'tulip flu,' or 'dancing flu?' they had the right idea with scarlet fever, that's for sure. it makes me think of lush, crimson velvet drapes, or scarlet o'hara from gone with the wind, not scabby rashes and swollen tongues. and that makes the world a little bit better.

NEXT RANT


big [ed note: grown up] girls who sit on their man's laps. honey, you're 34. and a big girl. big in many ways. do you think sitting on your boyfriend's lap makes you look cute? do you think it feels good for him? do you think passersby will think, "aw, they look so cute sitting like that,"? with so much 'no' floating around, you should know better. and from the looks of it, your boyfriend doesn't lack the cushion for the pushin' but that doesn't mean he's your jennifer convertible. get the fuck off and act your age.
girls who do this kill me, they really do. they're the type to own clothing and jewelry adorned with such middle-american colloquialisms as, "daddy's girl," "princess," and, my favorite, "spoiled rotten." yeah, something's rotten.


NEXT


gisele as the face of...sigh...true religion. i mean, what happened to, you know, other girls? other models? gisele has become the face of absurd ubiquity--she's everywhere, and while she may own the new billion dollar-face, it always looks the same (save for her dior ads, which chameleonically can transform susan boyle into doutzen kroes...or maybe lily allen).
what's the point of having models and an industry devoted to them if they just end up being the same person?

AND LASTLY


there is so much wrong with the subject of this photo, i don't even know where to begin. again, we have grown women acting like young girls, sitting on their boyfriends' laps and now wearing jelly shoes. shoes made of sparkly plastic. whimsical webbed footwear meant to go no further than 18 months of age, before actual walking occurs. jellies are cute when they're three inches long, not a size 10. like drugs or carcinogens, just because they're manufactured doesn't mean you have to buy then.
i'm out.
xo
b.a.

1 comment:

about a boy said...

i think jellies are stoopid.