Thursday, May 14, 2009
don't let this happen to you
who needs therapy when you can't show emotion on your face anyway?
alright, boys. it's time we had a little heart-to-heart. i'd say 'head-to-head,' but not everybody's into docking (or uncut, for that matter). anywho--it's about shorts. length, to be specific. i know the whole appeal of hipsters wearing shorts with, frankly, embarrassing revelation of thigh made it ok for the rest of the city, and therefore the world, to adopt such a trend, but come on, people. who follows crowds anymore? did rent make you want to go contract AIDS and shoot up?
so why am i all hatin? honestly, look at boys in too-short shorts. they don't look right. their legs are all knobby and body hair gets all weird on the upper thighs, like little bald spots and stuff. a coworker argued, "well what if they're like, athletic-looking?" to which i replied, "if you're running a marathon, fine. but would you wear hot pink-piped biker shorts to the met ball? don't thiiink so."
and what's worse than too-short shorts is when they're paired with saddle shoes, like some five year-old kid in a laura ingalls fucking wilder-based movie. i'm all about taking measures to preserve youth (i mean, ALL ABOUT) but dressing like a five year old when you've got twenty years on it makes you look like a shithead, and there's nothing cool about that. i'd make fun of you, and i wouldn't laugh and conclude my scrutiny with the perfunctory 'just kidding' hug.
yeah, dress in the aforementioned mess and you'll probably get your picture taken during fashion week, but remember one important fact--more people were laughing at bjork than with her.
like the FDA's pharmacopoeia controls the distribution and formation of drugs to protect humankind from harm, there should be some sort of fashionable restraint instituted to prevent those who prefer the form and function of shorts from looking like assholes.
this commercial has gone entirely too far, giving the world permission it should never have received. like a loaded gun.
i'm out, bitches.
p.s. i'm bringing this shit to video soon, ya heard.