Tuesday, January 20, 2009


i got to thinking today, aside from a lack of public bathrooms (i refer to standalones, barnes & noble doesn't count), there's absolutely no space in the city for someone to go and cry if they need to. i suppose crying isn't released as often as #1 or #2, but it is just as healthy a bodily function, and when you're not home or in a place of sanctuary, you should have a place to go.
in the past three days, i noticed at least one person a day (present company not included, which would make it four) with tears running down their face from reddened, sad eyes. they should have a place to retire to, to reflect within, and where they can truly release the emotion that needs liberation.
i'm taking a short sabbatical from being the perpetual optimist i am to admit that it is, in fact, a sad, sad world and we should be able to cry when, where and how we want. it just shouldn't be inside the uptown 1 station.

i'm out.

Monday, January 05, 2009

the real answer

hey kids
so i'm a little distraught today over the newest slew of bombings and air strikes between israel and palestine. i mean, seeing as how belligerent human beings tend to be, the concept of war is never going to be obsolete, but there should be a basic inherent rule that limits the amount of time one can rage on without resolution. have we learned nothing from the hundred years war?
the whole debacle between israel and palestine has been going on for a thousand years too long, and i think it's about time for both sides to admit that a) neither of them are willing to remit, and b) it's time to accept that and stop killing people.

but here's the real impetus that i honestly think will solve the problem entirely, or at least initiate the momentum: build two ikeas near the border--one for each respective territory--and watch the sparks stop and the wrenches fly.
think about it--everybody loves ikea. whether you actually need anything, any time a friend mentions they're venturing to the local (or not-so-local) ikea, you jump on that bandwagon like mayin bialik bangs in the early 90's. and you always end up leaving with a bench or colorful trash bin or more tea lights than you know what to do with. but regardless of what stuffs your recyclable blue bag, the one thing we always leave ikea with is a big ol' smile. the mere thought of owning such fun, innovative, easy-to-assemble furniture at such an affordable price turns many a frown upside down and makes every house a home.
so if the israelis headed to the border to pick out the perfect dresser to match their futon, instead of, you know, firing shells and all, they'd probably forget altogether what they were fighting about. and if the palestinians spent more time realizing they could furnish an entire kitchen in coordinating fire-engine red appliances and cupboards for under $1,500, they'd flash the israel that lies behind their ikea a big ol' smile, and their biggest concern would be deciding between print or solid contact paper.
if i were king.

Friday, January 02, 2009

a new year, same me

hey kids! happy 09. yeah, a new year, but it doesn't feel so different, and if you really think about it, why should it?
i mean, it occurred mid-week. the weather is basically the same. nobody's hair color changed. despite drunken new years eve rows, your friends haven't changed. yet, we all strive to overhaul something in our lives to commemorate the passing of one year into the next. present company included, don't get me wrong, i just thought i'd muse about the funny idio's of the human spirit.
so down to business.

first, i'd like to dedicate today, jan 2, to stella vine. one of my fave artists, she has a way of making the soft, delicate blurs of watercolor into something so eloquently vulgar that it actually is beautiful. whether it's the haunting face of sylvia plath or the infamous spread-eagle masturbating girl who's "in it for the money," i wouldn't be ashamed to display one of her magnanimous masterpieces on my dining room wall.

and now for my breakthrough. this morning i came to a major conclusion about the way life runs: life, my friends, operates in a way very similar to the popular video game "guitar hero." for those of you not versed in this cultural, and often drunken phenomenon, the game is played with modified guitars as controllers, and each player watches a corresponding fingerboard on the screen, where a series of notes that match color-coded buttons on the guitar glides past. playing the notes makes real guitar sounds that compile the actual notes and riffs on real songs, and elicits colorful flames, and, long story short, you end up feeling like slash and rocking the F out in your living room.

the thing about guitar hero, though, is that it's not just a matter of up-down-left-right joysticks and the occasional click of an "A" or "B" button. it takes real skill and practice to become adept at playing it, and even once you've mastered a song, it's still going to be hard as balls to conquer the rest. so this is what dawned on me. life is like that fingerboard--events, like notes, come gliding at you. you have to deal with each and every one of them. some of them you hit beautifully, smiling at your accomplishment and the great music you're making. others aren't so easy, and you find yourself challenged. angered. frustrated. sad. but keep playing, and you'll eventually hit another great note, then you realize it isn't all that bad, and you're encouraged to strum along. there's always hope for a better note or a better song, and as long as you don't put that guitar down and stop playing, you're guaranteed to get another series of wonderful notes and you end up with a pretty terrific song.

so the moral of the story is, and i have to throw in a little bit o'dirt to keep it bryanambition, in the spirit of lil kim, who once said, "you ain't lickin' this, you ain't stickin' this, "you don't keep strummin', you won't keep hummin!"

let's make 09 FINE!