Monday, September 22, 2008

it's a rant day, kids



so, ok. i'm SO completely over the natural peanut butter thing. you try to do your health proper by purchasing peanut butter not containing hydrogenated oils, and while you may avoid certain heart complications and atherosclerosis, what do you end up with? A MESS! that's what. an oily, messy, smelly, disgusting mess.
for those of you still on the jif, when you purchase a new jar of natural peanut butter (and every time you open it thereafter), you must vigorously stir the viscous peanut mash to reincorporate the separated oil that lies on top. and it ain't easy, kids. oh no. it overflows on the side, covering your fingers, the label and countertop in peanut oil. then you have to really get deep into the butter part to bring it to the top, ensuring uniformity, and the jars are all so damn narrow that this is no easy task! so by the time you've got a fragrant, well-mixed jar of natural peanut butter sitting in front of you, you're so mad at it you're compelled to throw the box of graham crackers it would have complemented across the room and say "FUCK IT!" to the whole operation.
i'm back to jif, and let me tell you--i'd rather die of heart disease brought on by overconsumption of hydrogenated oils than a stress ulcer caused by mixing up natural peanut butter. thanks.

next up--smoking in crowds. ok, i know smokers the world over have rights, not all of them fair, seeing as how they're based on a personal preference, sort of like mothers and hispanic nannies, but once the execution of those rights infringe on my personal space and comfort, the shit's gonna hit the fan.
so today i'm walking through union square market (oft referred to as the 'farmer's market,' although last time i checked scallops and pumpkin bread didn't grow on vines), dodging the rather populous crowd, when i find myself walking into what i believed to be a special effects tunnel in the funhouse at an amusement park. how poorly disappointed was i when i realized it was, in fact, a cancerous crawlspace, smoky as all hell, and in the middle of a crowd. now, even though they're as rare as a treasure trail in chelsea, smoking sections are, in fact, a great way to provide a safe haven for the addicts, and an even safer haven for those protecting their lives and lungs, and often found on the outskirts of any large assemblage of people--not directly in the center. yet the three or so people so merrily puffing on their nicotine sticks threw caution and formaldehyde to the wind, and, unfortunately, our faces, and now we're stuck breathing in their vile air.
WHY IS THIS OK? what if a certain individual had a colon full of toxic air and just decided to drop a big f*rt in the middle of class? would that be ok? sure, it would cause nausea and gross everybody out beyond recovery, but it most certainly wouldn't pose a threat to anyone's health, and that person behind the stench would be the laughing stock of that class for the rest of the year (or their life, even).
so it's all about dirty looks, kids. that's the only weapon we have. and if you happen to smoke, i don't hate--just don't do it two feet from my face.

lastly, i don't think i even have to declare my stand on the whole fur situation


but this weekend, as i sidled through some festival in the west village, i spotted a woman wearing a mangy-looking fur coat, real, no doubt. and i would've cast her my normal look of disgust and dismissed the situation, had i not noticed what she held in her hand--a leash, attached to a dog cowering at her feet, that looked EXACTLY like the COAT! we're talking fur color, texture, irregularity, undercoat--everything. it was like the dog's mother or sister or brother had just croaked and been skinned last week. unbelievable. so i made sure to compliment her choice of coordination.

and that's it for today.

5 comments:

joey said...

omg, so true. i was trying to be all ''healthy'' and eat wholefoods pb. one soon realizes that the bottom of the jar, no matter how well mixed at the beginning ends up becoming an un-spreadable mass! i heart skippy!

Doghigh said...

Peanut Butter & Co. "Smooth Operator" - much easier to mix although you may occasionally wind up with some unspreadable gunk at the end of the jar. Delicious though. But yeah, taste aside, definitely still need to watch for oily discharge...

Chris said...

You're probably better off making it yourself. How hard could it really be?

Anonymous said...

The night before you should flip the jar upside down and before you open it shake the hell out of it.

Zeke said...

I'm totally with you on peanut butter. What drives me even more crazy is that eating healthy, ie. eating food with LESS added stuff actually costs MORE. I'm still baffled by that.

On the smoking front, by your own admission, you walked into the smoke. Therefore, telling someone to not smoke two feet from you face would indicate your face has to remain stationary somewhere. Get over it. It's NYC for crying out loud - I'm betting the air you breathe on a daily basis is just as bad if not worse than that surrounding the heads of smokers.

Fur schmur. I'm over this argument too. Animals (ie. cats and dogs) are cute and cuddly and wonderful companions, no argument there. But given the amount of leather on shoes and accessories, the amount of meat consumed in this country, not to mention animal testing that goes on to see if new medicines/treatments might be appropriate for humans, I'm not overly concerned about a fur coat. They're animals - not people covered in fur. BIG DIFFERENCE!