Friday, July 18, 2008
shit that pisses me off
well many of you, my most loyal, knew it was only a matter of time until the bitch reared his summery blond head and came up with a rant list! so without further ado, here goes:
people who think they're entitled to an especially privileged existence just because they've decided to bring a child into this world. those women who push around baby carriages, their faces smugly lit with expressions that reek of tinted moisturizer and maternal aggression, walk as if crimson carpets should be unfurled in front of them. they snarl at anyone who happens to be sitting on a crowded subway and dares make eye contact with them, like you should give up your seat just because they're pushing around some bratty-ass kid in an oversized, fancy schmancy wheelbarrow. well, you know what i say? i hereby declare: listen, gals--nobody asked you to pop out that screaming creature. you haven't done anybody any favors, and we, as in the rest of us who live purely single, self-sufficient lives, sure as hell don't care how heavy your little bundle is--it's on wheels, sister, so start pushing and leave me alone.
next is the term "it's not rocket science." and you would know this, how? ohhh, i had no idea you were summa cum laude from the harvard school of velocitous aeronautics and assholeism!
seriously. as complex as the field of constructing high-velocity propulsion units is, i'm sure there are other superlatives out there that would be as equally as effective as this pantyliner of a cliche, but land a more youthful splash in a conversation. like brain surgery. admit it--we all DVR house.
next up is ugly lesbian glasses. at the risk of being politically incorrect (and honestly, like i give a shit), let me clarify: ugly glasses worn by people who possess neither mirrors nor perception of reflective surfaces, that predominantly happen to be lesbians. the lovely and talented ingrid sischy is a former culprit, but she's since cleaned up her act (not that she needed to--girlfriend can do whatever she likes. she's ingrid sischy). but i digress.
these particular opthalmic glasses of which i speak are more architectural microwonders than the lens express special. they come in all shapes, sizes and colors, but they're just wrong and should not be displayed on the face. i'm taking a picture tomorrow so i can show you just what i mean.
i'm out of steam and my sleeping pills are kicking in, so enjoy the latest installment, and honestly--get on the shit and start sending advice requests, people.
yours in haughty naughtiness,