Tuesday, April 29, 2008

i HATE...

MILEY CYRUS!!! how could you like anyone who stands like that, dresses in that, and looks like their face is comprised of a stack of those moldable balloons those creepy men at the circus make animals out of?
i mean, i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate miley cyrus!!!!!!!!!
and i'm sick and tired of all this press circulating about her and the vanity fair shoot by annie leibowitz. first of all, BITCH, it's vanity fair. why the fuck is some shallow-ass, teen beat ho who made her fortune wearing a cheap blond wig appearing in a publication as reputable and longstanding as vanity fair? secondly, unless you're the legendary irving penn, nobody's taking 35mm photographs anymore. both miley and her family saw those pics right at the shoot, well before they went to publication, and if they weren't happy with the way things were appearing, the bitch should've put clothes on (but hopefully not the atrocities she's sporting above). and thirdy, honey--anybody who has the privilege of shooting with annie liebowitz--needs to keep their fat ass lips shut because it's a pleasure rarely enjoyed by anyone in this pathetic country of elementary education and obesity. who knew an achy-breaky heart could spawn such trash?

today madonna's HARD CANDY album came out, and hip-hop-hooray, it's fuggin AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!!!!!!! now that's one vanity fair cover i'm never throwing away! GO MADONNA!!!

Monday, April 28, 2008

express your grievances monday

so another rainy, chilly, dismal monday beckons..or, rather, repels. because i can think of 7,492 places i'd rather be than sitting here, at my desk at work, after having braved the frigid monsoon outside (despite the fact that i'm occupying myself by watching 'labyrinth.'
so last week, i allowed myself the privilege of a small box of count chocula. the obsessively healthy eater i am, breakfast, the most important meal of the day, has always contained little-to-no sugar, to avoid the mid-morning crash. yet standing in the cereal aisle at the key foods, clutching a box of fiber one, i was overcome by temptation, wearing the brown face of a chocolate vampire, and, after tasting a brief memory childhood sleepovers, i grabbed the box and ran up to the register to pay.
fast-forward a week to yesterday when, after realizing the crumbs left in the bag meant my days enjoying count chocula were now gone, i mustered up all the courage i could and looked that sweet nosferatu right in the face when i was struck by the sense of bewilderment every child dreads, like finding out there's really no santa claus, or waking up in the middle of the night to discover your mother putting money under your pillow where a tooth used to be. i saw something that induced a sobriety more horrifying than if gary oldman actually floated into my kitchen(ette) wearing silk slippers and a healthy thirst for blood--count chocula had NO FANGS!! instead, this whimsical, yet slightly terrifying vampire we've all grown to love had buck teeth. two giant, blunt, harmless buck teeth. was this the trix bunny in disguise?

well, i'd say yeah, but this rabbit HAS NO TEETH!
silly rabbit, trix are for kids! and oversized incisors are for rodents...like rabbits.

cereal companies are the downfall of america, kids. the best friend of dentists, and the bain of a nation.
it does turn your milk chocolate, though.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

thursday retardation

ok so i know it's half-nekkid thursday and all, but ya'll lucked out on naked bryan this week in favor of something far funnier (and more annoying). what is it with people holding full-out conversations on walls (a la facebook) and comments (a la myspace)? that's why man invented private messages.

it's pathetic, and it happens all the time. on a tuesday, jackie will just leave karen a message like, "hey boo! great seeing you the other night! we should get together soon! xo," which leaves karen with two reasonable options. 1) she can respond by writing on jackie's wall, something like, "you too, babe! have a great week!" or 2) leaving it at that. jackie's writing on a WALL, for goodness' sake! she doesn't expect a response!
but nobody's as ideal as jackie and karen, so what happens is this: karen sees jackie's reaching out as some major sign of outward love and acceptance, and decides to respond with her own deep sentiment, and for the sake of preserving this wonderful moment the two are sharing, adds further inquiries that deem her whole decision to post this on jackie's wall as interminably inappropriate. so she writes, "omg jackie!! it was so great seeing YOU! can you believe aiesha threw up all over that waiter? she was so trashed! oh btw--my mom said she'll totally drive us to the mall tomorrow so we can buy those jeans. what size are you again? i'm bordering on fitting into a 6, but if i eat one more pint of ice cream [and you know she will] i'll totally be an 8!! anyway-talk to you later! bye!!! xoxo! bff's4----> love ya like a sister!" --karen

ok, karen, but we already know it's from you--your friggin picture is right next to it, and if that doesn't clarify things, your name is clearly written above the posting.
that was way intense, and maybe a bit exaggerated, but let's see how jackie responds. if i were her, i'd be way freaked by the fact that karen is not only admitting to the world that both she and jackie are too young to drive, but she's also disclosing something only the tag in your jeans should know. these are the things 'single white female' is made from, kids. but ever the friend she is (and obviously never having seen 'mean girls'), jackie courteously responds with, "giiiirl, i can't wait to go to the mall tomorrow! your mom rocks! maybe we can like, have a wine cooler at my house after! i stole one from my mom's bedroom. you can totally still have that ice cream AND fit into the 6--just throw it up afterwards like i do! ssshhh it's a secret! xoxo sistahh!"

i'm either compelled to listen to the carpenters, or write the parents of these girls. either way this crazy bitch is wackier than the first! and furthermore, this shit happens every day. useless information is wasted. kids are exploited. and my time is wasted.

Monday, April 21, 2008

burnin' up

so watch this because i'm obsessed with it. a snippet from my movie-of-the-moment, fahrenheit 451, based on the classically chilling novel by ray bradbury.

it's been a while--i've been on vacay, so i took some time off, but i've got quite a load coming to ya'll...so tune in!


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

for hire

so while walking along some street the other day, past an absolutely abhorrent clan of children, none older than 10, i heard a boy 'cat call' to a girl (do they still call it that?) anywho, he said, "yeah well i'm gonna hit you with my big dick!"
ok first of all, kid, you're nine--unless you're the unfortunate victim of a pituitary brain disorder, your dick ain't much more than a peanut. second, unless it's rape, that dick isn't much of a weapon. and third, is that what you think that flappy little thing is for?
the first and second thoughts are all ha ha ha, but this little incident is a prime example of how misinformed and uneducated children of today are about sex. with fewer parents giving their kids "the talk" and teen pregnancy on the rise, not to mention the 9.1 MILLION cases of STD's last year among people under the age of 25, it's no wonder HIV/AIDS, violence against women and 15 year-old mothers are commonplace to this western utopia known as america. this is no clearer than today's news, or yesterday's perezhilton--jamie lynn spears looking like a bloated pre-schooler or her ill-informed, mental case of a sister allegedly incubating number three. the last thing this nation needs is a serious proliferation of the human trash that already poisons it.
if parents paid a little more attention to informing their kids that sex, while one amazing feat of nature, is not a game (sex games notwithstanding), i think the world would be a completely different place. just sit them down and talk to them--after all, it's the same way you were brought onto this earth.

ok enough of this parental shit--let's take a detour directly to the point.
enter me--sex education extraordinaire. i don't have time for this "pee pee wee wee" shit--if you want to know about sex, i'll tell you everything, from a--to x,y,z. hire me for $100/session and i'll sit your children down and tell them all about it. i'll spell things out, i'll draw pictures, and i'll make them really afraid of tertiary syphilis. but what i won't do is sugar coat anything or leave them confused about what goes on down south.
and on that note, i invite the parents to sit in on the discussions too--most parents know less than their children do about sex--just because you've done it doesn't mean you own it.

so parents, i ask you: how do you want your children to learn about sex? by experimenting in the bathroom with their friends, or from a pure, intelligent source who isn't afraid to answer even their most intimate questions? put it this way--don't let your kid ask what anal sex is with a sore ass.

i'm out.