Tuesday, March 18, 2008

take that, tuesday

an old roommate of mine in college commonly used the phrase, "gay as assfuck," and i think i've found an instance where the usage of this potentially-offensive (though completely factual) phrase would be most appropriate. it would be used to describe what i am about to present as "fun-size" candy.

that little shit size candy one receives at various holiday gatherings (or perhaps any old day at my grandmother's) is the latest bane of my existence. it's an eighth of a snicker's bar, or a credit card-sized pouch of m&m's, containing roughly 11 of the aforementioned candy-coated chocolate treats. it's one singular inch of a twix. it's a thumb-sized morsel of oh henry! or nestle crunch or 100 grand.
but one thing these miniaturized sweet things are NOT is fun.

what consumer panel on God's green earth decided that the diminutive size of these smaller versions of best-selling candy should be referred to as "fun?" smaller, perhaps. mini, even. tiny, maybe?
what's even FUN about them? when is the last time you ate a "fun size" snickers and really enjoyed yourself? regardless of what you were doing before or while you consumed it, the mere act of masticating, savoring and swallowing a piece of fun size candy does not, in fact, imbue fun on its own. furthermore, after eating just one piece of fun size candy, one is undoubtedly left with a craving for more, in many cases exponentially more intense than the initial craving that compelled them to eat the first piece. and that causes me unnecessary anxiety. and there's nothing fun about that.

so i hereby pronounce fun size candy to be 'as gay as assfuck.'

i'm out ;-)

1 comment:

Dantallion said...

Candy bars are much like a penis in that respect - there is very little that is fun about "fun-sized".