Saturday, June 30, 2007

wavering faith




so two weird things happened today, and before i tell you about them, i have to express my severe exhaustion.

anywho. so the first was that i was not only nice, and furthermore hospitable, to a small child today, but i may have even felt a reluctant pang of enjoyment! so this girl at work brought in her daughter who's like, 4, and i have to say, despite the fact that she's a child, she's really cute and nice. so before today, she didn't like me very much. not at all. she'd give me dirty looks everytime our glances would meet, and a smile was definitely out of the question (even one of those vague smiles that appear on children's faces, just because.
but anywho when logisha and i got the idea to apply makeup to the child, the job of course landed in my lap (thankfully, the child didn't follow) so i used this as my chance to make something of the situation. so i put on the rupaul 'supermodel' video on youtube (can i just say--youtube is the most amazing thing ever?!) and taught this young girl who, just minutes before, was innocently singing the score to 'annie,' to strut and say the three most important words a girl could hear: YOU BETTER WORK.
now i don't really hate kids all that much. but i still don't like them.


so weird thing #2: i've broken my fidelity in the belief that children are born gay. i saw this child on the subway today, couldn't have been any older than 12, and all i have to say is God help him when he gets to high school, 'cause the pansy is in for a beating!! but it's not because he was physically manifesting typical gay behavior (which he kind of was), but because his parents, who had to have been the WEIRDEST parents i've ever seen, dressed him up like a little fag. he had floppy hair, this horrid printed short-sleeved dress shirt, wrists occupied with faggy watches and friendship bracelets (that he, no doubt, made himself), red shorts and sandals. not to mention the child-size rayban wayfarers he was wearing. it was uncanny. when our gaze met, both our gaydars went into overdrive. poor kid probably rusted his zipper.

and the way the WEIRD parents cottled and held him was what lent me to the conclusion that they turned him gay. the parents are probably members of some spectral rainbow color worship society, and bought him "liza sings the Christmas classics" CD for his first holiday. the father probably emphatically volunteered to drive him to tap lessons, only if he promised to stick with the community boys choir.

all in all, it made me really naush.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

she don't talk right



so after hearing, or should i say, overhearing a tourist say something today, i shuddered at myself when i realized i could most likely identify where they were from, regionally, if not to the actual town. and maybe even their specific block!

--i can totally feel this turning into a rant fest, so if that's not your cup of tea, i suggest you close the fuckin' window--

so yeah--thinking about such things as accents and dialects, and what i like to call 'dereLECT,' i realized that i hate them. (get it--derelict+dialect=derelect! go me)

growing up in pennsylvania (northeastern pa, to boot) it's a wonder, and nothing short of a miracle, that i didn't adopt the horrendous derelect. the use double negatives and incorrect participles (i.e. "we don't got none of those") and completely abandon the functionality of "to" and "from" in favor of the completely futile "up" and "down" (i.e. "we're going up the mall" or "we're coming down your house) regardless of whether the direction one is, in fact, traveling is north, south, east or west.
and the worst--the absolute most horrible--is the lack of the letter "t" which forces one to pronounce words such as "bottle," "mountain," or "rotten" with huge phonetic gaps in the middle. try saying these words without t's, and when you hear it, and think "oh, it can't sound that horrible," remember that yes, it can. and does.

so what really gets me is regardless (or, as the northeastern pennsylvanians might say, 'irregardless') of the classlessness of these people, the majority of them tune in to the six o'clock news at night, on which, after their local stations broadcast whatever 60th anniversary or shooting has occured that otherwise mundane night, the national news inevitably follows. and they don't talk in derelects on the national news. whether it's tom brokaw or that poor katie couric (God bless her--she tries), you won't get a double negative or incorrect participle out of that shit! ohhh no. and night after night they hear the dramatic introductory sequence. and night after night they get the same perfunctory greeting. and night after night, they hear the national news delivered in crystal clear, perfect english.
now, if you spoke like you learned english off the back of a cereal box (which, based off all the cereal boxes i read in the morning, wouldn't teach such anomalies as double negatives, but i digress) wouldn't you hear the difference in tom brokaw's monologues? wouldn't you perceive that he doesn't say, "them people in india don't have no water again," but instead, "the denizens of the indian subcontinent are once again faced with a devastating drought."
it's there, people. listen up.