Tuesday, November 13, 2007
what did you expect? condams?
so i got really inspired today and sent this purely fictional story to my esteemed coworkers. since they were all fictitiously involved, i think many of them were prompted to ask, "wait--did it really happen?" duuh, no.
submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this story: CONDOMANIA
last year logan thought it would be a good idea to bring in a "condom [or, if you prefer, condam] tree" and place it on her desk in the hopes that it would encourage everybody in the office to shamelessly 'prune' the tree as they needed, hence promoting sexual safety in and around the office. (she later told me she planned to take a polaroid of the person who took each condam and make a wall collage of prophylactic bliss). and it was a good idea. a great one, actually, until the day that brian kantor came in with that can of "spray helium" and thought it would be an even better idea to fill up the condams with helium and watch as people in the office panicked as condams floated their way, shuddering as they passed, as if they were filled with some questionable substance. then una, the animated one she is, took a big red marker and drew lips on the floating condams (lips, but no eyes!) and giggled with glee as she saw her creations bounce airily around the office. so of course the insidious perversions of tamara and beth couldn't be quelled by the sheer thrill of all of this, and they began to catch the floating condams and continue to make them anatomically correct. ears, noses, vaginas, penises (but still, no eyes).
one may ask, "where were the authorities?" well, jyl was working from home. steve was on a break. kathy was on vacation and ari was still at vibe. but never one to just sit around, amy gets up with her camera and starts to snap away! and away and away and away, taking many rolls of film to capture this incredible moment in blackbook's history. and so it went, until bryan (moi) got up and decided to actually put on one of the condams (did i mention he and brian kantor sniffed the remainder of the spray helium?) and the office was petrified (and somewhat turned on) by what they saw, that the buzz kind of deflated, as did the floating condams, and the random moment of fun came to an end.
now, what, you may ask, happened to the thousands of pics amy took? well it just so happened that bryan wore a jacket that happened to be magnetic that day, and as he embraced amy for her good photographic work, the magnets inherent to his jacket overexposed all the film, and the memories were left to be cherished by the mind.
and though i wasn't going to mention it before, john was there, but saw the action from a smaller angle, as he got this splendid idea to "decorate the elevator," which involved decking the small, movable hall we called an elevator, in festive lights, garlands and ribbons, and he was so adamant on this idea, not even floating condams could lure him away from his work.
john is a good man.
good times, right?