Monday, October 22, 2007

fucking chickens



so i have a major ish with eggland's best. while watching my usual lifetime (television for women...and queens) morning lineup, during which the commercials have become so routine, i can basically sing them, from the bouncy 888-2300-Empire! to "who's your bra?", i noticed a newcomer: an eggland's best commercial, extolling the virtues of daily egg consumption (and the newly-discovered nutritional value contrary to the high-cholesterol verboten egg of the past).
it basically said, you know, "eggs are great. eat eggs. look at the pretty chickens that produce the eggs" and at the end of the commercial, the screen displays the three types of eggs produced by eggland's best: the 'regular' eggs in the thin styrofoam carton; the cage-free eggs in the clear plastic carton; and the extra omega-3 eggs in the fancy carton. sounds great, right? all this variety from the seemingly ordinary chicken.
but then i got to thinking.

one company. one chicken. three different types of eggs. if there's only one way for a chicken to produce an egg, then that must mean that the eggland's best farm includes three distinct sections: the cruelty caged section, the free-range liberated section, and the fucked-up injected chicken section (those extra omega's don't come from positive verbal reinforcement, honey). am i right, or am i right?

and how fair is it that the caged chickens (who, btw, suffer such horrible cruelties as beak cropping and toenail purging) get to look out the window at their cousins who are allowed to roam free in the fields and flap their wings? and furthermore, what about the extra-omega chickens, getting injected and shit all day long? they're not in there for acupuncture, ya know.

what's worse is the fact that i highly doubt the three varieties of eggland's best eggs garner their own separate accounting departments, so when the eco and humane-conscious egg consumer purchases their cage-free eggs, they're actually supporting the cruelty brought on by the production of their lesser-priced (and immoral) counterparts, so what's the damn point? it's like a vegetarian purchasing garden burgers made out of meat!

so here's what i say: call those bastards at eggland's best several times a day and ask about their little arrangement: 800-922-EGGS. i'd recommend you call several times a day, and tell all your friends to follow suit. we probably won't end up changing their procedure (i've stormed enough puppy mills to know a dent where i see one) but at least we'll drive a few brainless people crazy.

and with that, bitches, i'm out.

2 comments:

Jane said...

Important culinary note from my new nutritionist: no need to go whites-only if you're watching the fat; just don't break the yolk while cooking. Which is to say, better to choose gently poached or soft boiled.

If you're not skeeved by the post, of course...

Ronald Grassi said...

Dude. Chickens exist for 3 reasons only. To eat, to make eggs, and to reproduce. Stop feeling sorry for them. They're chickens.