Wednesday, May 16, 2007

p.m.



post meridiem; latin for 'after-noon.' this is used to disambiguate hours of the day, in the 12-hour clock system. also, in english, it stands for 'pre-midnight.'

but in bryan time, it stands for 'phuck me' because it's the most boring time of day. even when i'm busy, the afternoon is perpetually excruciating.
i don't drink coffee (often--just on edit meeting tuesdays), or do coke, or allow my body to be jump started by any other sort of artificial energizer.
today, howev, might call for a more drastic measure.
i find myself at this very moment, 2:57 p.m., listening to 'california dreamin' but only making half the effort at singing it, just enough to support the chorus. so it goes like this:

all the leaves are brown
(the leaves are brown)

and the sky is grey
(the sky is greeeeey)

i went for a walk
(went for a walk)

on a winter's day
(on a winter's day)

and you get the rest.

i swear, if paris hilton ever does a version of this song, i'll launch a worldwide attack against the blond bitch AND those annoying flats she always wears. has nobody noticed they completely ruin the outfit? i'm not knocking flats altogeth, but for her, they're no valid excuse. they're a total cop out, and for that reason, i feel the need to temp assume the title of fashion police and perform a totally mitigated citizen's arrest.

and speaking of gross,



am i the only one to notice that salma hayek's hair is absolutely disgusting?! or the only one sane enough to admit it? she looks like she's wearing a hat made out of cocker spaniel! somebody spray that bitch with some FRONTLINE! i'm getting itchy!

i know she's pregs and stuff, but nobody lets themselves go this much, and in this manner. and yet tabloids and gossips blindly proclaim that she looks absolutely fantastic, and has that telltale glow pregnancy typically induces. does she? i can't tell--there's a wooly mammmoth on her head that's kind of blocking the view.

now, don't think you're smartypants susan yet--i know there are plenty of you bastards out there that think this hair thing she has going on is only the most recent style to hearken to the 80's, but you're terribly, horribly, and remarkably wrong. let's set something straight: this is not a trend. this is not a fashion statement. this is bad, understyled, overprocessed hair. and true, the extra, uh, volume may, in fact, be due to an ethnic thing, but sal, you've got more money than a third-world country, and that's where flat-irons are made. get with. penelope, please pick up our girl and haul her ass to a sally beauty!

and that's the f-ing truth.

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