Tuesday, May 15, 2007

another day off


so today marks day two (2) of my at-home ailment marathon. my throat is on fire and none of my beautifully-colored mystery pills has alleviated it. let's get one thing straight: i already have one cock--i don't need two; the second, of course, being the streptococcus bacteria (although if, by chance, i did have two, today would no doubt be the 78th day of my at-home marathon...with an end nowhere in sight!)
i'm sick, and neither the golden girls, ab fab, nor the pleasurable musings of craigslist personal ads have made me feel better (although guiltily aroused is a far different story). and what's worse is this is, quite possibly, the first time that i find myself actually, dare i say, wrong. i was utterly convinced that any lucky recipient of horrendously painful tonsillectomy proced would, for the remainder of their immunity-boosted lives, remain free of any further throat infections. well, as it turns out, i was...uh, not right.

but thank heavens for new york magazine.

so let's talk about how women's advertising is far shameless than men's. would you EVER see a commercial for a men's urinary tract infection treatment? or a laxative specially formulated for men?
and the actual delivery just kills me. one women's lax commersh is a cute little cartoon with ribbons metaphorically (and in a quite vulgar manner) representing the supposed, uh, movements, and then hugging the woman in 'question' by the end of the commercial. so basically, this gentle, benign commercial involved the representation of the #2 moving through its tract, and THEN just getting all over the woman! and what's worse, the verbage is just horrific, containing all sorts of words, like 'cramps' and 'irregular.' i have one word for that: TMI.

so let's translate that to a man's version.
man's deep voice: when i find myself irregular (which a man would never admit), i choose the gentle choice: man-o-lax. it doesn't contain harsh stimulants or cause cramping (a reeeeal masculine word) and you can take it at night (what, with a beer?). for my irregularity (there's that never-used word again), i choose man-o-lax.

i mean...can you even?

the other day, in my ever-evolving crusade to revolutionize the world of metaphors, i came up with a real doozy. while giving a dear friend some rich advice while sipping the most incred semi-organic mojito i've ever experienced, i used the following phrase to make sense of the situation, which involved two people: one is romantically interested in the other, but, unforch, the other doesn't possess reciprocal feelings, valuing more of a friendship than a romantic venture. so i said, "it's like you're fishing with the wrong lure--trying to catch a bass with a marlin decoy. and besides--he's just in the wrong body of water!" can you STAND it?!

and lastly, thank heavens for tupperware.

i'm out, and this time, my promise of fidelity will hold true ;-) i'll write SOMEthing tomorrow.

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