Sunday, December 31, 2006

go SHAMU, go!!

well, it's about damn time!
this is old news, but kasatka the killer whale, or as she's affectionately known by her 'adoring' fans at sea world, shamu, has spoken up! or shall we say down--and it wasn't in the gruff, deep-toned voice one would expect a killer whale to possess. it was in one swift, simple act of pushing her trainer to the bottom of the tank, nearly drowning him. see the headline below with a bit of a comic twist (sorry for the manual click--youtube is shady today):

and this wouldn't be the effing truth if i didn't open my big mouth to voice some loud ass, clever opinion on the matter. you know what i say about all this? good for the friggin trainer--he, as well as the rest of the sea world crew, had it coming. the only tragedy here is that nobody learned a real lesson...he survived. i can't say much more about kasatka.
as david letterman said, it IS a killer whale, for heaven's sake--you have to admit it--it's way fucked up to remove an animal from it's natural habitat, stick it in a cage, and make it do tricks. and the ignotards out there can't use the whole meat argument either (i.e. "that's what they're here for.") either. if you depend on a tiger to provide viable entertainment for you, you're a sad, fucked up individual who should promptly return to your trailer.
it's just like when roy, of the eponymous siegfried & roy circus mess, was mauled by a tiger during a performance. good for the fucker! after years of being beaten and stuck with electric prods, forced to do ridiculous tricks, it's a wonder the tiger hadn't stepped up sooner!
when questioned about motives after the incident, roy referred to the tiger, named montecore, as his baby and friend. now, i ask you--who in gay hell steals their friends from the wild?! some of my friends act like wild animals, but i assure you they came from legitimate nurseries.
fortunately for him, liberace's protege has some pretty heavy recovery time ahead of him--plenty of time to consider more humane, sensible ways to entertain people. unfortunately, most of the world felt sorry for him.

what do these incidents say about our culture? that despite boasting some of the most technologically advanced educational institutions, fostering children to be so intellectually competitive, they'll fight to the death to win a spelling bee, and taking note of the increase in college graduates, we still get off on watching elephants balance on balls and tigers dance around in toutous? what's even sadder is that, according to the national humane society, the number of tigers living in captivity in this grand nation of ours is roughly equivalent to all the tigers living in the wild. i suppose the same goes for elephants, lions, and other wild beasts subjected to the involuntary perils of a life in the bondage of 'show business.' and if the sum of these attacks don't hint around to something, maybe this little factoid from the humane society can make it a bit clearer: in the past five years, nine people have been killed by tigers in the united states. nine people--and tigers aren't even indigenous to the u.s.! get the fucking picture--wild animals belong in the wild. if they kill you there, it's because you've invaded their home. once you bring them into yours, it's your own damn fault if your fat ass liver provides a tasty foie gras to them.

new year's resolutions:
  1. adopt a dog (and by adopt, i don't mean fund puppy mills by giving money to a pet store for a dog--i mean adopt a perfectly fabulous friend from the s.p.c.a. and save a life)
  2. shoot circus trainers
  3. make five people give up veal (hey--if you want to ingest antibiotics and growth hormones, just go to the david barton gym)
peace out, cub scout.

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