Sunday, November 19, 2006

the rant issue

it's that time of week where either i spontaneously realize that something has consistently pissed me off and it's time to illuminate it, or i've had a particularly stressful day and the occurrence of a certain annoying act has sent me over the edge and into a fit of ranting and raging.
so here goes.

bluetooth earpiece devices
nothing is more annoying than people who walk around with these fucking things stuck to their ears. as a matter of fact, i don't think they're even people anymore. they've got to be a race of once-perfect humans who, in an impulse to seamlessly fit in with ever-evolving technological advancements, sold their souls and certain organic human elements to some dark force that facilitated their transformation into cyborgs (read: part human, part robot). and these cyborgs run every walk of life, from office managers to construction workers to soccer moms to elderly citizens with too much modern knowledge of technology for their own good (or their former good). why else, then, is it necessary to go EVERYWHERE with these electronic modules attached to one's head? and i'm not using 'everywhere' as some convenient, all-inclusive word--it IS everywhere, from casual trips in the car (the only real acceptable reason for constant use of this device), to parking lot walks from the car to the wal*mart, to day-long jaunts at the mall (which makes attempts at fashionable dressing quite futile--no matter how many colors the fucking thing comes in, it STILL isn't a viable accessory!), even to church! to endure the whole mass, as if God plans on singling out his new team of apostles via private cellphone calls!
so the word is--it's a great thing to possess such technology that allows one to perform the once tedious act of making a phone call (remember all that sliding around the dial of a rotary phone?! oy!) without one stroke of a finger, but it's quite another to allow such a advancement to place us in such bondage, such arresting positions as to require the constant usage of a device--are we on house arrest? for cryin' in the sink!

rant #2
price of traveling

this is an issue with which i've had a huge, longwithstanding problem, but always thought it inappropriate to bitch about...but here goes. after picking around ikea tonight (i'm sick, and looking haggard at ikea is much more acceptable than at neiman marcus), i was walking out to my car and i couldn't help but watch as plane after plane took off from the newark airport. there's no denying that everyone aboard those planes was going somewhere--some for pleasure, some for business, some to attend shiva, some without plans of returning. whatev--i digress. and it made me think that i'd like to travel more--a lot more. unfortunately, though my job is fabulous, it sure doesn't pay that way and so my two-month safari through egypt is indefinitely on hold. and this prompted me to contemplate, why in fucking hell does it cost so much to travel? we're all on the same earth--it's not like the pyramids and paris lie in different universes. they're both mere hours away, and also thousands of dollars. like, who suddenly said, "let's make the otherwise easy task of going from 'here' to 'there' difficult and expensive!!?" honestly--it's getting out of control.
even more so that i deserve to travel to amazing places. i'm the type of person who, upon landing in a foreign culture, strives to immerse himself in that culture as a way of seeing his poor, gentrified, sadly-undercultured, saturated-fat-obsessed (read: AMERICAN) culture from a different perspective. i deserve to live amongst the masai warriors of kenya and outrun lions and eat warthogs, and look back on my pennsylvania upbringing and say, "take this up the mall, fuckers!" you know, "eat that with your stone-washed boot-cut jeans. and when you're done, go build another abercombie!" yeah. ok i'm done with that.
but back to the point. i deserve to have a house on bondi beach in australia, and a shack amongst the aborigines of new zealand, raising sheep and eating indiginous food. and yet my wallet lies empty, next to my yearnings.
but don't you worry, because when i take over, i'm going to make world travel a government-subsidized institution, so that everybody who years to discover new cultures and see the seven wonders of the world in a week and fuck a prostitute in amsterdan can do so--and the only thing they'll have to pay for is the five-star hotel or cheap brothel in which they choose to accommodate themselves. airborne terrorism will be a thing of the past, as every pissed off muslim renegade will see his chance to realize boyhood dreams of running naked through the irish countryside with a red-haired virgin and a labrador retriever on his heels and totally ditch osama and all that crazy shizz. and plenty of hot indians will come to america to instinctually find me and ask me to write books about them. and the whole america=white trash situation will totally resolve itself, as those yearning to escape the oppressive reign of the oklahoma government will see themselves going east or west on the amtrak express, pro bono, to pursue dreams of becoming actors and actresses or senate officials or hustlers (or both), while those who are fed up with the fast-track life on opposing coasts can move back home to the midwest, reclaiming their white trash youths, for the plane ticket they thought would completely sop up a year's worth of rent is suddenly not an issue. america will be fabulous again. maybe we'll even change our colors--i may be alone here, but i'm a little tired of red, whie & blue. how about red, black and orange? hot!
all because of me.

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