Friday, May 13, 2005

it's been a while...

you've got a heart of glass or a heart of stone, just you wait 'till i get you home...

ok i know it's been a week and a day since i've updated this blog business, and i know that makes me a scumfuck, but read this and i assure, i've been redeemed.

********W E E K L Y R A N T / R A V E L I S T ! ! ! ! !***********

BAD HAIR DAY (rant)

alright, i hate when bad hair happens to good (or otherwise hot) people. just this morning i was receiving "the eyes" from this guy at the train station. the eyes from which "the eyes" was coming were really great eyes--dark, nicely shaped, slightly mysterious, yet sincere, and they were framed by great eyebrows. he even had a big nose and scruff, two huge pluses. he had that "i just got out of bed, but i can certainly get right back in," look, but just then, like the locomotive that went barreling past, that attribute became his downfall. then i saw it--the hair. it was awful! dirty, stringy, hung just past his jawline. long hair is a great thing IF IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! this is not a subjective thing! either it does, or it does NOT! some people are just physically incapable of looking good with long hair. ME, for instance. when i went through my alan cumming phase back in college, i grew my hair to just below my ears, and realized, "this is not a good thing." so instead of fooling myself (as so many DO), i threw away my dreams of resembling the great cumming and adopted a new SHORTER celebrity hair DO.

THE 'FAUX HAWK' (rant)

BEWARE, though, for long hair is not always the culprit! sometimes short hair can be a disas (short for disaster, of course)! take, for instance, any given night at that nightmare SPLASH bar. walk in two feet and you're guaranteed to walk into what i consider to be the greatest tragedy of the 21st century (besides the WTC, o.c.)---THE FAUX HAWK. (if i have to explain what a faux hawk is, you shouldn't be reading this anyway. tune into www.headlinenews.com, perhaps)
first of all, the faux hawk NEVER was in style. not even for five minutes. we THOUGHT it was because david beckham sported one, but this ain't england, kids. thanks to a slew of chelsea queens who took the becks issue of "TEEN MAGAZINE" too seriously, the world was crawling with musclebound coneheads! the faux hawk is NOT, by any means, a flattering hair style! it ellipcises the head (it's a damn word now!); it elongates the face; it makes the nose WAY larger. as the proud owner of one enormous schnoz, i must say it is one thing to draw attention to a large nose; it is QUITE another to just pain on an extra five inches by attaching a cone to one's head.
the only thing worse than a faux hawk is when the front of it is dyed another color than the rest of the head, i.e. bleached, red, or even something as heinous as blue.
i'm all about freedom of expression, but if the 'coneheads' movie couldn't even get five stars, what the fuck do you think chelsea will offer you? the solution: FLATTEN IT OUT OR CUT IT OFF!

POINTY SHOES ARE FOR ELVES (rant)

i just love making fun of chelsea boys. it's like eating a fruit roll-up: there's so much to do with it, you just can't help yourself! while walking the other day on my favorite corner of wax-me & leather daddy (20/8th), i was struck in the shin with what i thought was a bulldozer. had it been a piece of construction machinery, i wouldn't have been at all surprised--i know how much those indigenes welcome the tight-jeaned construction worker type. i looked down expecting to see john deere, but instead was greeted by a gold metallic garden spade--i mean SHOE. you had to see it! this motherfucker would set off alarms at the airport and cause severe questioning upon entry to city hall. the longest, pointiest shoe i've ever seen! i've been around the block when it comes to shoes (i've even had to use one as my pillow--long story) so i know what's going on. i was aware of this pointy shoe business when it started; what i was not aware of was their potential to cause significant bodily harm. i looked at the queen to whom the weapon/shoe belonged and knew there was NO way in gay hell his foot was that big (he was asian) so i assumed the shoe was just THAT big. then the bitch just walked away like was naomi friggin campbell.
all i'm saying is pointy shoes belong on size 7 feet at dolce & gabbana or on elves at the north pole; not on queens strutting down the street.

STAND-UP TANNING BOOTHS AND S&M (rave)

in preparation for my memorial day beach blast (i've never said "beach blast" before...whoa...i feel like buying a 'supersoaker' now) i've begun to tan...fake bake...nuke myself. i don't care about the warnings; i don't care about the things i've had removed; and i don't care about the photoaging business. i don't get old. all that aside, i had the most incredible time today.
i went to hollywood tans on 2nd avenue and they don't use beds--instead they use these amazing stand-up booth pod things. what's amazing is not the great bronze one acquires, but the method by which it is brought on! the booth itself is like an S&M torture chamber. i've never experienced S&M full on (although i've lived vicariously through m's "SEX" book), i can just imagine. i get all kinds of 'excited' standing in the enclosed space, all caged in. you see, the bulbs that line the walls are protected by metal caging, so in essence, one is caged up standing there. then to prevent tan lines from obtrusive arms, one holds onto straps suspended from the ceiling. close one's eyes, pretend they're handcuffed, and it's like spending 11 minutes at the vault.
kinda hot. i can offer some advice: make sure if you decide to...that your lube includes sunscreen. it can and does burn.

so enjoy this version of my legacy and look forward to the next installment!
and remember: tomorrow is friday the 13th. don't wear any green, any underwear, and make sure your hair does NOT point in one direction.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

TOO MUCH of a disgrace

i ask you, fellow americans, because evidently, i missed the memo, when did 'VOGUE' substitute for 'the constitution?' right now at this moment--this very moment--legislators in the residually confederate state of virginia are lobbying senate lawmakers to approve a bill instituting a law that would impose a $50 fine on anyone caught showing "too much" of their boxers or thongs. the bill was already preliminarily approved by the house of representatives 60 to fucking 34!! obviously their state is run by a bunch of osteoporitic hunchbacks who can't wear anything past their ribcage for fear of exposing their colostomy bags.

this brings up a good question: just HOW much is "too much?" i'll tell you what's too much--it's TOO MUCH that the government is infringing on the laws of fashion! what's next? the gov't police are going to join forces with the fashion police and appoint joan rivers attorney general? and what's more TOO MUCH is that none of this is being met with any protest from the highest fashion authorities: not a peep has been heard from anna wintour (not even a dirty stare), hal rubinstein, simon doonan, or even (gasp) star jones, whom we know loves a good thong (even if it does resemble a cattle holster). [ed note: ok fine--star jones isn't a REAL fashion authority, but she did take over joan and melissa's red carpet duties and therefore serves some purpose...as miniscule and short-lived as it may be]. am i the only one who's disturbed by this terribly UNconstitutional movement? brit brit's been on the DL lately, but come on, honey, stick up for the movement you helped create!

it's TOO MUCH that as the oft referred to "#1 country in the world" (can't you just see that #1 being printed on a foam hand and used to charge the front of every virginia courthouse on election day?) can't properly prioritize and make laws that actually matter. there are people DYING in iraq and children getting molested and women getting raped and homosexuals being discriminated against, yet the hopper gets filled with requests trying to ban faux pas seven jeans.

the punishment--$50 fine--is TOO MUCH of a punishment. i mean, really--when i see some chick or queen all struttin' her stuff down the street, pants so low it looks like a small dog is peeking out the front, my ugly stare and scathing comments are punishment enough.

so in the, well, SPIRIT of the great john f. kennedy (who, by the by, was an incredible dresser himself), "ask not what your country can do for you, but how you should dress!"

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

hateration

thank goodness gracious today is the eve of my trip out west. i swear, the next time i publicly appear in the city, i'm going to tote my mace along. i'm going to need it for protection from the beating i'll inevitably receive.
the next time some bitchy, overplucked, stiffly-coiffed queen blows the carcinogenic fumes from his cancer stick into my face, i'm going to fan kick him so hard, he won't be able to fit the fucking motorola razr between his ear and his shoulder.

now that i got that out of my system, i can tell how i was kind of included in today's metro newspaper (the free one). there was this one great feature article highlighting the newest men's grooming trend--scruff (aka "i haven't shaven in five days"). now, i understand that guys have been doing this for some time, but i was the only one who, upon realizing just how magnanimously dashing it looked on him, decided to make it a monumental statement. so instead of flanking the article with my gorge face, the shot in matthew mo-conaughey (get it?!) who, by the by, must slather his face in the most opaque concealer available, because the sister is covered in more sun damage than farrah fawcett's shoulders! had the pic been of me though...

on that note, i'm taking this opportunity to illuminate other trends and kicks for which i claim full, fabulous responsibility:

-bamboo ringlet curtain: you can't walk past the finest home showroom, trendy soho boutique or damn gap without seeing this beautifully versatile, yet terribly underpriced accent piece. i discovered mine at ikea and paid $13 for it! it now constitutes an avant garde lighting fixture that i'm not going to share with anybody.

-"the devil wears prada": girlfriend lauren wei$berger need$ to share a big hug and $everal million dollar$ in royaltie$ with me. i'm the rea$on this incredulous piece of chick lit was on the nytime$ be$t $ellar li$t...me and my big mouth.

-silk ivy garland: i started this phenomenon in college and it is going strong even today. i see this garland now more than the over-40 chelsea queens see the judy variety! we're talking turning your drab white room into an urban jungle a la ABC carpet and home (but on a wal*mart budget--because that's where you buy it).

although i should expect this kind of result...after all, imitiation is the highest form of flattery, and i DO write the most incred up-and-coming magazine.

**even though i dislike jennifer aniston, she is the one whom i'm most like on 'friends'**

Sunday, May 01, 2005

keeping up appearances

i got really excited today because i counted eighteen (18) chest hairs! i mean, come on, gang, i'm 22 and from the ribs up, i look like i'm 12! all i've wanted since i was young was a big bank account, a cover on 'star' magazine, facial hair and chest hair...like tom ford chest hair. grrr. sparse, yet formed--NOT like i belong in a red flannel or anything. i've certainly got the facial hair, but i'm still waiting for the chest hair department to get back to me. i've got the perfect happy trail--to die for--or at least follow, but only eighteen (18) little chest hairs.

now, i know what all of you are saying, "but bryan, doesn't the emergence of chest hair mean you're getting older?" and i'm going to answer that by saying, "yes, oldER, but not old. last time YOU came all over the jude law picture in 'details,' it wasn't his dunhill suit you were staring at. it was the damn pinnacle of testosterone--chest hair!"

so, in support of my crusade of not getting older, i wrote this song to the tune of "like a virgin," because i feel just as young as one. enjoy.

i made it through the teen years
at last i made it through
now old enough to drink the booze
but look so young and new.

move my feet, feel the heat
'cause i'm hot--did i mention young?
'cause i love my youuuuth
(even though i liiiiie) since i'm twenty-two (22)!

chorus:
like a virgin
now for the very third time
like a viiiirrrrrrgin
feel my heart beat--11 times 2!

look at me, my skin is so soft
like an exfoliated ass
e'ry hair's in place like yesterday
now you can't argue that.

so i'm young, and i'm hung
little built, kind of feeling bold
'cause i look real good, and i'm gonna stay this way
'cause i ain't getting old!

chorus

break the mold--never old
so i'll blow
out the candles now
'cause i'd rather die, yeah i'd raaaaaaaather die
then turn twenty-five!

chorus

i know you all loved that, so go memorize it and get ready to sing it at my third annual 22nd birthday party...in SEPTember.