Saturday, April 30, 2005

the other night with the girl -OR- why i'm bad at being gay

alright, so i'm stunning. duh. but get this story:
i was at this benefit the other night, dressed to the nines and guzzling moet like water, and was approached by this girl of about 25, clad in quite a stunning dress (all the more special that i knew what lightly lacqured wooden hanger it was bought from). being that we were both artificial blondes, it was only right our conversation should commence on the topic of other outfits. not before long, however, i noticed a manicured nail painted baby pink gently caressing the few arm hairs that stuck out beyond my sleeve. i attempted to break the "i-don't-think-so-ness" of this situation by flashing her my widest smile ever--bad mistake. she took that to mean "i'm interested in going back to the hamptons with you." girlfriend was interESted in this piece of hot gay meat, and he just wasn't going to have any of it. i knew at that moment i would have to use the "F" word. "claudia," (as she'll be known) i said, "did i tell you just how FABULOUS that dress is?!" and as fast as a hardon deflates when your mom walks in, she said, "well it was great talking to you" and turned as fast as her pale pink patent mules would go.

this situation made me realize something: i'm bad at being gay.
i really am. yes, i like men. i sexually desire them and can give a pretty mean blow job. but when it comes down to it, i'm the complete antithesis of the Mo Bible. i'm sure the list is more expansive, but here's a few lackings that initially come to mind:

-i don't wax my eyebrows (they just look good natural)
-i don't shave (anything) [though if i had back hair, i'd wax like yesterday]
-i don't get manicures and pedicures (though my nails always look well-groomed)
-every other word out of my mouth is not 'fabulous'
-i DETEST gay clubs
-i make fun of gay guys all the time
-i'm slightly offended by the word 'fag'
-i hate the pride fest business
-my music collection doesn't include gay icons (i.e. spice girls, kylie, cher, and considering i'm mad at madonna right now, not her)

now in my defense, i do enjoy 'the golden girls' among all programming on lifetime, love the scissor sisters (though i'd hardly call them iconoclastic right now) and i can dress to kill. as a matter of fact, i'm watching 'the golden girls' right now and sophia just said, 'ribs, great! why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?!" haha

i rule.

Friday, April 29, 2005

i'm a menopausal middle-aged single woman

i'm a menopausal middle-aged single woman. ok, not really, especially considering i lie about my age, but lately i find myself crying at every little thing on tv! i'm not preternaturally a big tv watcher, but since i pay copious amounts of money every month to access eight billion channels, i figure i may as well watch a few of them.
ok anyway i'm watching 'full house' today, and a stupid little emotiment (emotional + moment) about a poor kid really turned on the tear ducts. they sure got a workout today as a side effect of all the peristaltic ejections i had (i'm sicksicksick) but i did not need the saccharin sweetness of abc family's newest syndicated acquisition bringing on real emotion. that's why i watch 'evita.'

so why do they call that transitional part of a woman's life where her woman parts turn futile 'menoPAUSE?' it's not a pause at all! it's a permament condition.

i have to go throw up, but you can rest assure that i'm the only one who would read "front row: the cool life and hot times of vogue's editor in chief" (the anna wintour biography) while expelling the seemingly imaginary contents of his stomach. looks like i won't be going to the gym today!