Sunday, May 01, 2005

keeping up appearances

i got really excited today because i counted eighteen (18) chest hairs! i mean, come on, gang, i'm 22 and from the ribs up, i look like i'm 12! all i've wanted since i was young was a big bank account, a cover on 'star' magazine, facial hair and chest tom ford chest hair. grrr. sparse, yet formed--NOT like i belong in a red flannel or anything. i've certainly got the facial hair, but i'm still waiting for the chest hair department to get back to me. i've got the perfect happy trail--to die for--or at least follow, but only eighteen (18) little chest hairs.

now, i know what all of you are saying, "but bryan, doesn't the emergence of chest hair mean you're getting older?" and i'm going to answer that by saying, "yes, oldER, but not old. last time YOU came all over the jude law picture in 'details,' it wasn't his dunhill suit you were staring at. it was the damn pinnacle of testosterone--chest hair!"

so, in support of my crusade of not getting older, i wrote this song to the tune of "like a virgin," because i feel just as young as one. enjoy.

i made it through the teen years
at last i made it through
now old enough to drink the booze
but look so young and new.

move my feet, feel the heat
'cause i'm hot--did i mention young?
'cause i love my youuuuth
(even though i liiiiie) since i'm twenty-two (22)!

like a virgin
now for the very third time
like a viiiirrrrrrgin
feel my heart beat--11 times 2!

look at me, my skin is so soft
like an exfoliated ass
e'ry hair's in place like yesterday
now you can't argue that.

so i'm young, and i'm hung
little built, kind of feeling bold
'cause i look real good, and i'm gonna stay this way
'cause i ain't getting old!


break the mold--never old
so i'll blow
out the candles now
'cause i'd rather die, yeah i'd raaaaaaaather die
then turn twenty-five!


i know you all loved that, so go memorize it and get ready to sing it at my third annual 22nd birthday SEPTember.

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