you've got a heart of glass or a heart of stone, just you wait 'till i get you home...
ok i know it's been a week and a day since i've updated this blog business, and i know that makes me a scumfuck, but read this and i assure, i've been redeemed.
********W E E K L Y R A N T / R A V E L I S T ! ! ! ! !***********
BAD HAIR DAY (rant)
alright, i hate when bad hair happens to good (or otherwise hot) people. just this morning i was receiving "the eyes" from this guy at the train station. the eyes from which "the eyes" was coming were really great eyes--dark, nicely shaped, slightly mysterious, yet sincere, and they were framed by great eyebrows. he even had a big nose and scruff, two huge pluses. he had that "i just got out of bed, but i can certainly get right back in," look, but just then, like the locomotive that went barreling past, that attribute became his downfall. then i saw it--the hair. it was awful! dirty, stringy, hung just past his jawline. long hair is a great thing IF IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU! this is not a subjective thing! either it does, or it does NOT! some people are just physically incapable of looking good with long hair. ME, for instance. when i went through my alan cumming phase back in college, i grew my hair to just below my ears, and realized, "this is not a good thing." so instead of fooling myself (as so many DO), i threw away my dreams of resembling the great cumming and adopted a new SHORTER celebrity hair DO.
THE 'FAUX HAWK' (rant)
BEWARE, though, for long hair is not always the culprit! sometimes short hair can be a disas (short for disaster, of course)! take, for instance, any given night at that nightmare SPLASH bar. walk in two feet and you're guaranteed to walk into what i consider to be the greatest tragedy of the 21st century (besides the WTC, o.c.)---THE FAUX HAWK. (if i have to explain what a faux hawk is, you shouldn't be reading this anyway. tune into www.headlinenews.com, perhaps)
first of all, the faux hawk NEVER was in style. not even for five minutes. we THOUGHT it was because david beckham sported one, but this ain't england, kids. thanks to a slew of chelsea queens who took the becks issue of "TEEN MAGAZINE" too seriously, the world was crawling with musclebound coneheads! the faux hawk is NOT, by any means, a flattering hair style! it ellipcises the head (it's a damn word now!); it elongates the face; it makes the nose WAY larger. as the proud owner of one enormous schnoz, i must say it is one thing to draw attention to a large nose; it is QUITE another to just pain on an extra five inches by attaching a cone to one's head.
the only thing worse than a faux hawk is when the front of it is dyed another color than the rest of the head, i.e. bleached, red, or even something as heinous as blue.
i'm all about freedom of expression, but if the 'coneheads' movie couldn't even get five stars, what the fuck do you think chelsea will offer you? the solution: FLATTEN IT OUT OR CUT IT OFF!
POINTY SHOES ARE FOR ELVES (rant)
i just love making fun of chelsea boys. it's like eating a fruit roll-up: there's so much to do with it, you just can't help yourself! while walking the other day on my favorite corner of wax-me & leather daddy (20/8th), i was struck in the shin with what i thought was a bulldozer. had it been a piece of construction machinery, i wouldn't have been at all surprised--i know how much those indigenes welcome the tight-jeaned construction worker type. i looked down expecting to see john deere, but instead was greeted by a gold metallic garden spade--i mean SHOE. you had to see it! this motherfucker would set off alarms at the airport and cause severe questioning upon entry to city hall. the longest, pointiest shoe i've ever seen! i've been around the block when it comes to shoes (i've even had to use one as my pillow--long story) so i know what's going on. i was aware of this pointy shoe business when it started; what i was not aware of was their potential to cause significant bodily harm. i looked at the queen to whom the weapon/shoe belonged and knew there was NO way in gay hell his foot was that big (he was asian) so i assumed the shoe was just THAT big. then the bitch just walked away like was naomi friggin campbell.
all i'm saying is pointy shoes belong on size 7 feet at dolce & gabbana or on elves at the north pole; not on queens strutting down the street.
STAND-UP TANNING BOOTHS AND S&M (rave)
in preparation for my memorial day beach blast (i've never said "beach blast" before...whoa...i feel like buying a 'supersoaker' now) i've begun to tan...fake bake...nuke myself. i don't care about the warnings; i don't care about the things i've had removed; and i don't care about the photoaging business. i don't get old. all that aside, i had the most incredible time today.
i went to hollywood tans on 2nd avenue and they don't use beds--instead they use these amazing stand-up booth pod things. what's amazing is not the great bronze one acquires, but the method by which it is brought on! the booth itself is like an S&M torture chamber. i've never experienced S&M full on (although i've lived vicariously through m's "SEX" book), i can just imagine. i get all kinds of 'excited' standing in the enclosed space, all caged in. you see, the bulbs that line the walls are protected by metal caging, so in essence, one is caged up standing there. then to prevent tan lines from obtrusive arms, one holds onto straps suspended from the ceiling. close one's eyes, pretend they're handcuffed, and it's like spending 11 minutes at the vault.
kinda hot. i can offer some advice: make sure if you decide to...that your lube includes sunscreen. it can and does burn.
so enjoy this version of my legacy and look forward to the next installment!
and remember: tomorrow is friday the 13th. don't wear any green, any underwear, and make sure your hair does NOT point in one direction.