Wednesday, May 04, 2005

hateration

thank goodness gracious today is the eve of my trip out west. i swear, the next time i publicly appear in the city, i'm going to tote my mace along. i'm going to need it for protection from the beating i'll inevitably receive.
the next time some bitchy, overplucked, stiffly-coiffed queen blows the carcinogenic fumes from his cancer stick into my face, i'm going to fan kick him so hard, he won't be able to fit the fucking motorola razr between his ear and his shoulder.

now that i got that out of my system, i can tell how i was kind of included in today's metro newspaper (the free one). there was this one great feature article highlighting the newest men's grooming trend--scruff (aka "i haven't shaven in five days"). now, i understand that guys have been doing this for some time, but i was the only one who, upon realizing just how magnanimously dashing it looked on him, decided to make it a monumental statement. so instead of flanking the article with my gorge face, the shot in matthew mo-conaughey (get it?!) who, by the by, must slather his face in the most opaque concealer available, because the sister is covered in more sun damage than farrah fawcett's shoulders! had the pic been of me though...

on that note, i'm taking this opportunity to illuminate other trends and kicks for which i claim full, fabulous responsibility:

-bamboo ringlet curtain: you can't walk past the finest home showroom, trendy soho boutique or damn gap without seeing this beautifully versatile, yet terribly underpriced accent piece. i discovered mine at ikea and paid $13 for it! it now constitutes an avant garde lighting fixture that i'm not going to share with anybody.

-"the devil wears prada": girlfriend lauren wei$berger need$ to share a big hug and $everal million dollar$ in royaltie$ with me. i'm the rea$on this incredulous piece of chick lit was on the nytime$ be$t $ellar li$t...me and my big mouth.

-silk ivy garland: i started this phenomenon in college and it is going strong even today. i see this garland now more than the over-40 chelsea queens see the judy variety! we're talking turning your drab white room into an urban jungle a la ABC carpet and home (but on a wal*mart budget--because that's where you buy it).

although i should expect this kind of result...after all, imitiation is the highest form of flattery, and i DO write the most incred up-and-coming magazine.

**even though i dislike jennifer aniston, she is the one whom i'm most like on 'friends'**

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